Junk Snail Mail: The Baleful Shitstain of American Consumerism

I have a confession to make: if I think about American consumerism too much, I vomit. Not a euphemism, mind. This post is nauseating to write, and I’ll have to take it in chunks, or else I’ll throw those chunks up.

Some confederacy of morons^B^B^B^B^B^Bmarketers has evidently come to the conclusion that, not only have most Americans not heard of the largest brands in America, but that they actually need to be constantly reminded of them.

Therefore, every goddamn week, 1.92 million trees are cut down to produce 113 million metric tons of paper, so that 2.01 billion pieces of junk mail can be printed, of which 98% is unwanted. (src)

(puke break)

Here’s the contents of my mailbox from one month (2015-04-01 to 2015-04-30):

If you're blind and can't see this . . . you're fortunate.
Pictured: the downfall of America

It’s not even targeted. In case you hadn’t figured it out, I’m an anemic, secular, young, single, anti-social, non-smoking, vegetarian, environmentalist male with elitist and self-loathing tendencies, plus a couple of mild psychoses.

Therefore, it makes perfect sense to send me ads about tampons.

Or about retirement centers.

Or about the new-double-cheeseburger-you-developed-which-you-also-illegally-plastered-ads-for-over-my-apartment’s-window-for-three-months.

I sat in on one of these marketing classes to find out what you “marketing guru”s think. It turns out, marketers have no reason to think this strategy works, but they do it anyway because no one can be arsed to find out.

Well, I’d say there’s pretty damn good evidence that it does not work. Aside from the fact that I throw up when thinking about it, only 2% of people ever respond to junk mail–and that probably includes the hopeless opt-out requests and rage.

No one reads this volume of shit, and no one is benefiting. This should obviously be illegal.

Junk Snail Mail: The Baleful Shitstain of American Consumerism

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